Regretful thinking...

I have been wanting to write on here for a long time now... But I start writing something and then it's like nothing comes out... Writers block? Who knows...but here it goes :)

Living with regret has to be one of the hardest things to live with.... Ever.... Period! Living in the "what it's" or the "why can't we just..." it's overwhelming. It consumes every part of you. You literally feel like you are being eaten alive sometimes by all the thoughts going through your mind and the why questions. Some days are easier for turning off the "what if's" and some days it's all consuming. I wish that I could wake up in the morning and know whether or not it was going to be an easy breezy day or one that will be a struggle just get through. And by struggle I mean me at war with my thoughts. It's hard when you have one of those days and are trying to focus on the kids, and just move forward with life. But how do you move forward when you are stuck feeling guilty over regret? It's the war between the choices that you have made in the past that are now fighting with what life looks like because of those choices.

When my husband and I got married we wanted a big family.... Full of love, kids, and a house to be used as a ministry...a ministry with an open door to whomever needs a safe haven to crash or place to find understanding no matter the situation. I personally feel like we have accomplished two out of three of those things... A house full of love and a house to be used as a ministry. The one that we haven't lived up to in my mind and my personal bucket full of regret is the decision that we made to be done having kids. Three kids in two years... That would make a lot of people crazy. So 4 years ago, we made the best decision we could....to be done. But now... I am just full of sadness. Full of regret that we made a hasty decision due to lack of sleep and a mommy full of crazy hormones.

I find this a lot harder to write than I thought....tears keep welling up....

So how do you move on from something where you feel like there's nothing that can be done? I hold tight to the promises that Jesus will always hold me close. I hold tight to the promise that Jesus will get me through whatever storm I am brought to. I hold tight to the promise that nothing is impossible for God. I hold tight to the love that my husband and I share and the fact that he will always be there for me... Especially on the super tough days. I hold tight to my precious kids that I do have right now. But the desire to have more kids to love, to hold, to cherish, to teach is so strong and I know it won't go unanswered. I am just not sure how The Lord is going to answer that desire. And I don't think it will get answered until I am finally able to let go of that regret that I seem to be holding onto so tightly.

Regretful thinking.... I wonder if that's like all of the "acceptable sins" we throw around so casually. Gossiping, worrying, jealousy, selfishness... Etc... All these things that are just a part of normal life, but it's actually the opposite. They are not normal... they are things that eat away at us leading us farther away from Jesus. And until I can forgive myself for making a hasty decision I am going to constantly fight with the regret and not be able to live in all the God has for my life. And that is just not acceptable anymore...