This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, and rather hard to admit to whoever may be reading this. But I remember being in high school feeling "fat" because the standard of beauty way back then was beauty meant skinny at whatever cost that may be. While I was in high school I developed horrible stomach pains. I missed a ton of school because of it and countless tests later they found out I had a sluggish gall bladder. (Whatever that meant). Because my stomach was alway tied up in pain my senior year I hardly ate. I realized that I was losing weight. So I did what any smart teenager would do... I limited what I ate all the time. I would eat enough to make people not notice but I wasn't eating as much as I usually would. I graduated high school in 1999 and then went to college. Freshman year... I was on my own with no one watching me. My diet consisted of Doritos and as much Mountain Dew that I could consume. I'd go to the DC to eat and would grab salad and something else but then would only take a bite here and there and complain that my stomach hurt and would leave the rest. I lost a lot of weight! But it wasn't healthy. My family and I went to Sweden and Finland the summer of 2000 and I had to eat because I was around my family all the time. I think that's when I realized I am not in a good place. I was down to like 120 (which is super low for me) and just wasn't healthy...
Fast forward to today... it is a daily struggle. My battle with food. It is my enemy, and my comforter. If I felt "fat" in high school... well now I feel "more fat". If I am stressed I will go find the sweet and salty foods... bread is also a downfall for me. I will eat way more than I need to and feel good at the time that I am eating it but then a huge wave of guilt will rush over me and I will feel horrible for what I just did. Turning to food to ease my anxiety. 1 Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." This does not say give all your worries and cares to food.... that would be silly! It says "Give all your worries and cares to GOD, for he cares about you." I need to focus on that.
I have 2 daughters... what kind of example am I showing them? Hey girls! Guess what... the thing you should turn to when you are stressed or happy or whatever it is that you are feeling is food, OK?! Umm...No, that is so wrong on many levels. That is Satan whispering in my ear that I am not good enough. That I can't do this on my own. That I really do deserve to eat this stuff that I can't turn away from. NO! I can't run to food... I should be running to Jesus! When I am feeling stressed or anxious about anything my first inclination should be to stop, take a deep breath, and PRAY for Jesus to give me the strength to conquer this anxiety. At church the offertory song was by Josh Wilson. The song Carry Me. What spoke most was the bridge...
"I'm at the end of myself I know I've got nothing left Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out Oh God I don't stand a chance Unless You carry me now God carry me now"
My valley is my body image... or at least my distorted body image. My husband things I look perfect. My son tells me almost daily that I look like a princess. My girls look at me as their roll model. Why can't I let that be my solace in a time of turmoil? Instead I sit and battle with myself. I let the lies creep in and become a truth. But I am going to let that not happen anymore. My family deserves better than a pity party everyday from me!
So I have taken a huge step... I started... *gulp*... EXERCISING! Ha! My goal is to wake up early every morning and do something... whether it's the elliptical or Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred (my favorite BTW). And then after I am going to sit and do my devos so I can focus on what really matters. Getting right with myself so I be the best version of me... the version that the Lord wants me to be. In our sermon series at church Simplify... Bob talked about the power of our Calendars. If it's on the calendar it will more than likely get done. Taking his advice... I put it... exercise... on the calendar. I will have the hardest time getting out of bed but I can't let myself fail before even getting out of bed! So I will pull on my "big girl panties" and go downstairs to work out :) It will feel good. Small, realistic steps. That's what I am doing. I tend to look way into the future and get discouraged when I don't see the results that I want to see. So now, I will look at the immediate picture and be proud that I accomplished what I wanted :)
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always. Pray continually. Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for your life." <-- My new life verse. My goal to strive for everyday.
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