The Power a Word Can Hold

Who hasn't had that "insert foot in mouth" feeling?  Yeah, I have it more often than I would like to admit.  Words have a power that is scary sometimes, but are also very soothing to the soul.

Last night my hubby and I were going to bed and I was reading my book, Having a Mary Spirit, for my Bible Study group.  I confess that I am a little bit behind, but that doesn't really matter, right? :) I started reading the chapter "Speaking Love" and something hit me.  I have always thought that my love language is Quality Time because I really do love to spend time with those I love. (But as much as I hate to admit it I never feel filled up after it)  After, I read the first half page of the chapter, it hit me... my love language is Words of Affirmation.  Joanna (the author) was talking about a difficult day and how she was beginning to think that life would just go on as normal without her.  (I laughed out loud when I read that because there are many times that I have felt the same way...)  But that day she just happened to get a letter in the mail from a friend that said everything she needed to hear.  And it lifted her spirits and helped her through.  After I read that I looked at my hubby and said "I do believe that my love language is Words of Affiramtion."  I told him that even though I am terrible at communicating out loud... words are so important to me.  Which is why I have a card from one of my best friends hanging on my fridge from a few years ago, and why I have almost all of the notes and cards that my hubby and family/friends have given to me.  I have the hardest time throwing away things that people have personally written to me (especially when it's something that helps me get through).  And maybe that's why my house is full of books.  Bookcases in almost every room of the house.  

Words hold power that nothing else has.  In Proverbs 18:21 it says that, "The tongue has the power of life and death..." I think that is so true. I see it when I speak too harshly to my kids and I see how they deflate.  I see it when I speak out of love and they look as if they can conquer the world. Words can take on so many forms, so many meanings. I think that we as faulty people have the ability to twist words to what we think they should mean.  I am so guilty of this and my hubby calls me on it all the time.  My hubby may be trying to speak to me because it's what I need to hear but all I am hearing is that I am not doing good enough and then I just throw a pity party for one. Maybe the tone of voice that he used wasn't to my liking, who knows...  Words... If words of affirmation are my love language I need to stop fighting against them and let them heal my soul, especially when they are trying to help.  

Even though I fight against words, sometimes they are the only thing that helps.  Proverbs 12:25 "Anxiety weighs down the heart, but a kind word cheers it up."  I have an anxious heart a lot... especially when my hubby is traveling.  That's when I really see how much he helps with his words.  He's not here to talk at night once the kids are sleeping.  I find myself texting him A LOT more during the day and when he calls randomly during the day to just say "Hi, I love you" it makes it all worth it. But when my hubby IS home and he sees that I am getting overwhelmed or anxious he reminds me that I am loved and that maybe it's time for me to write.  I don't think that a kind word is always meant to be spoken. Writing is my way of calming down my anxious heart.  There's no judging when I am writing (well maybe with this blog there is, but I can take it) :) I can just sit and write and get lost in my words and my thoughts and when I'm done I feel lighter. It's a great feeling. Words help me to process whatever it is I am going through, and God meets me there. He whispers to my soul when I am writing.  

Words have the power to heal and the power to tear down.  If words are so important for me to hear, I need to be so much more intentional about the words that come out of my mouth.  Words that I speak to my husband, words that I speak to my kids.  How do you use your words during each day?

Regretful thinking...

I have been wanting to write on here for a long time now... But I start writing something and then it's like nothing comes out... Writers block? Who knows...but here it goes :)

Living with regret has to be one of the hardest things to live with.... Ever.... Period! Living in the "what it's" or the "why can't we just..." it's overwhelming. It consumes every part of you. You literally feel like you are being eaten alive sometimes by all the thoughts going through your mind and the why questions. Some days are easier for turning off the "what if's" and some days it's all consuming. I wish that I could wake up in the morning and know whether or not it was going to be an easy breezy day or one that will be a struggle just get through. And by struggle I mean me at war with my thoughts. It's hard when you have one of those days and are trying to focus on the kids, and just move forward with life. But how do you move forward when you are stuck feeling guilty over regret? It's the war between the choices that you have made in the past that are now fighting with what life looks like because of those choices.

When my husband and I got married we wanted a big family.... Full of love, kids, and a house to be used as a ministry...a ministry with an open door to whomever needs a safe haven to crash or place to find understanding no matter the situation. I personally feel like we have accomplished two out of three of those things... A house full of love and a house to be used as a ministry. The one that we haven't lived up to in my mind and my personal bucket full of regret is the decision that we made to be done having kids. Three kids in two years... That would make a lot of people crazy. So 4 years ago, we made the best decision we could....to be done. But now... I am just full of sadness. Full of regret that we made a hasty decision due to lack of sleep and a mommy full of crazy hormones.

I find this a lot harder to write than I thought....tears keep welling up....

So how do you move on from something where you feel like there's nothing that can be done? I hold tight to the promises that Jesus will always hold me close. I hold tight to the promise that Jesus will get me through whatever storm I am brought to. I hold tight to the promise that nothing is impossible for God. I hold tight to the love that my husband and I share and the fact that he will always be there for me... Especially on the super tough days. I hold tight to my precious kids that I do have right now. But the desire to have more kids to love, to hold, to cherish, to teach is so strong and I know it won't go unanswered. I am just not sure how The Lord is going to answer that desire. And I don't think it will get answered until I am finally able to let go of that regret that I seem to be holding onto so tightly.

Regretful thinking.... I wonder if that's like all of the "acceptable sins" we throw around so casually. Gossiping, worrying, jealousy, selfishness... Etc... All these things that are just a part of normal life, but it's actually the opposite. They are not normal... they are things that eat away at us leading us farther away from Jesus. And until I can forgive myself for making a hasty decision I am going to constantly fight with the regret and not be able to live in all the God has for my life. And that is just not acceptable anymore...

Feeling blessed....

Today my kids and I went to my homeschool co-op. My kids love being in their classes learning about cool things like China, the sun, drawing, and playing blob tag! The kids are very well entertained and learning and the moms get to chill and have some mom time discussing things coming up in our c-op, prayer requests followed by prayer time, and being able to hang out and talk, hang out and be the emotional woman that we are :) Some mornings feel so rushed but by the time the morning is over I am ready to conquer the rest of the day!

My past few posts have been about my struggles with weight and my body image. Today at co-op we separated into groups and the group that I joined in was on exercising. Seems like a perfectly timed group if I don't say so myself! I have been feeling like I just don't have the motivation to do what I need to do. But after talking with the ladies in the group I was in I feel like this is something that I can do... Not only for me but for my hubby and kids!

So here's my plan!
1. I'm packing away the scale. It gets discouraging when the numbers don't move as fast as I want them too. So I will go by my measurements and how my clothes are feeling.

2. I am going to continue to try waking up early and get my work-out done in the morning. I would much rather get it all done at once instead of piecing it together throughout the day. So the early morning I feel like I will be less interrupted by the needs of my kiddos.

3. I am going to charge up my fitbit and start wearing it again all the time. It's nice because it tracks your steps, your sleep patterns, and any other movement you do and counts it as calories burned! And to go along with that I am going to faithfully log all my food intake on my fitness pal. It's really nice because the fitbit also syncs up with my fitness pal so I don't have to guess durning the day as to how much time I'm taking with doing work.

4. I am NOT going to buy any new clothes until the ones I am wearing are too big. So that will be good motivation for me!

5. I am going to alternate daily between doing the elliptical and Jillian michael's DVD's. Il probably add in some small work outs and stretches from Pinterest that catch my fancy just so my muscles don't get used to doing the same thing over and over again. And I am also going to do it that way in hopes to reduce the chance of shin splints (man those things hurt!)

So my goal is to work out faithfully for 2 weeks without complaining :) hehe... My encouragement verse will be... 1 Corinthians 6:19 & 20 "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body." God doesn't want me to just sit around feeling sorry for myself. He gave me this body and I need to take care of it. He gave me my kids and I need to stay strong so I can teach them and care for them.

So here's to my healthy lifestyle!

The mirror

I guess you could call this "getting healthy part 2". The mirror has always been my worst enemy. It always tells me lies upon lies. I look in the mirror and instead of seeing a beautiful being that God created I see flaws upon flaws. I see rosy cheeks, I see a round face (not a slim one), I see a double chin, I see a smooshy belly, I see... Well you get the picture. There are countless things that I see wrong with my reflection. And all of them are lies.

I was talking about this with my hubby over dinner the other night... About how much of an issue I have with this. And he reminded me that even though that's what I see in the mirror that's not what is reflected to other people. I said this before but my son thinks I am a princess. He tells me that every time he looks at my wedding pictures. I am the roll model for my girls. They look up to me and see what they will grow up to be like. My biggest fear for them is that they will grow up feeling inadequate in their self image because that's what they learned from mommy. Such a big blow and you would think that right there would snap me out of this funk. It doesn't snap me out 100% but it does load on the guilt...

So, now that I realize this where on earth do I go? This has been a struggle for my entire life (at least since I was a teenager). It almost feels like it is a part of me. This is a burden that I need to cast off and give all of it away. I am so tired of carrying the burden of my self image on my back. "Give your burdens to the Lord, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall." (Psalms 55:22 NLT) I need to fully put my trust in that verse. God WILL take care of me. He WILL help me overcome this burden that I have carried for far too long. Now I just have to take the first few, really scary steps to walk away from it and not have it control my everyday, my every moment. I have to stop believing the lies that the mirror tells me!

I have a jiggly belly because I carried 3 amazing babies in my body and I need to be more grateful for that. I need to do this for them, for my husband, and for me. Once I can find that inner peace, that inner beauty... everyone, including me, will benefit!

Getting Healthy...

This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember, and rather hard to admit to whoever may be reading this. But I remember being in high school feeling "fat" because the standard of beauty way back then was beauty meant skinny at whatever cost that may be.  While I was in high school I developed horrible stomach pains.  I missed a ton of school because of it and countless tests later they found out I had a sluggish gall bladder.  (Whatever that meant).  Because my stomach was alway tied up in pain my senior year I hardly ate.  I realized that I was losing weight.  So I did what any smart teenager would do... I limited what I ate all the time.  I would eat enough to make people not notice but I wasn't eating as much as I usually would.  I graduated high school in 1999 and then went to college.  Freshman year... I was on my own with no one watching me.  My diet consisted of Doritos and as much Mountain Dew that I could consume.  I'd go to the DC to eat and would grab salad and something else but then would only take a bite here and there and complain that my stomach hurt and would leave the rest.  I lost a lot of weight!  But it wasn't healthy.  My family and I went to Sweden and Finland the summer of 2000 and I had to eat because I was around my family all the time.  I think that's when I realized I am not in a good place.  I was down to like 120 (which is super low for me) and just wasn't healthy...

Fast forward to today... it is a daily struggle.  My battle with food.  It is my enemy, and my comforter.  If I felt "fat" in high school... well now I feel "more fat".  If I am stressed I will go find the sweet and salty foods... bread is also a downfall for me.  I will eat way more than I need to and feel good at the time that I am eating it but then a huge wave of guilt will rush over me and I will feel horrible for what I just did.  Turning to food to ease my anxiety. 1 Peter 5:7 "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." This does not say give all your worries and cares to food.... that would be silly!  It says "Give all your worries and cares to GOD, for he cares about you."  I need to focus on that.

I have 2 daughters... what kind of example am I showing them?  Hey girls!  Guess what... the thing you should turn to when you are stressed or happy or whatever it is that you are feeling is food, OK?!  Umm...No, that is so wrong on many levels.  That is Satan whispering in my ear that I am not good enough.  That I can't do this on my own.  That I really do deserve to eat this stuff that I can't turn away from. NO!  I can't run to food... I should be running to Jesus!  When I am feeling stressed or anxious about anything my first inclination should be to stop, take a deep breath, and PRAY for Jesus to give me the strength to conquer this anxiety.  At church the offertory song was by Josh Wilson.  The song Carry Me.  What spoke most was the bridge...

"I'm at the end of myself I know I've got nothing left Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death And I've been down here so long I just can't find my way out Oh God I don't stand a chance Unless You carry me now God carry me now"

My valley is my body image... or at least my distorted body image.  My husband things I look perfect.  My son tells me almost daily that I look like a princess.  My girls look at me as their roll model.  Why can't I let that be my solace in a time of turmoil?  Instead I sit and battle with myself.  I let the lies creep in and become a truth.  But I am going to let that not happen anymore.  My family deserves better than a pity party everyday from me!

So I have taken a huge step... I started... *gulp*... EXERCISING!  Ha!  My goal is to wake up early every morning and do something... whether it's the elliptical or Jillian Michael's 30-day Shred (my favorite BTW).  And then after I am going to sit and do my devos so I can focus on what really matters.  Getting right with myself so I be the best version of me... the version that the Lord wants me to be.  In our sermon series at church Simplify... Bob talked about the power of our Calendars.  If it's on the calendar it will more than likely get done.  Taking his advice... I put it... exercise... on the calendar.  I will have the hardest time getting out of bed but I can't let myself fail before even getting out of bed!  So I will pull on my "big girl panties" and go downstairs to work out :) It will feel good.  Small, realistic steps.  That's what I am doing.  I tend to look way into the future and get discouraged when I don't see the results that I want to see.  So now, I will look at the immediate picture and be proud that I accomplished what I wanted :)

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 "Be joyful always. Pray continually.  Give thanks in ALL circumstances; for this is God's will for your life." <-- My new life verse.  My goal to strive for everyday.

Struggling

My goal with this blog was to show the good and the bad...

This week has been a TOUGH week. Like I feel more than any other week of parenting. I don't know if it's just because the kids are still trying to recover from the crazy business of Christmas and daddy being gone all week and being literally stuck in the house because of the freezing temps.... It gets to be a little much. I'm at my wits end today.

I was laying so nice and warm in my bed this morning and the the kids started to trickle into bed with me. Which is fine because they all usually find a spot and rest for another 30 minutes before we get up. But this morning no one was happy about where they were laying because everyone of them needed to be touching me. So instead of us working it out we all started yelling and it ended with me kicking the kids out of bed because one or all of them were starting to hit and I was starting to feel my blood boil. Not a great start to the morning. I crawled out of bed and made my way to the keurig to make some much needed coffee...all while listening to the kids fight over who gets to take the dog out and back in again and who gets to feed her! I felt defeated already and it was only 6:45 IN THE MORNING! I usually drink my coffee and do my devotions but my heart is just not in the right place right now. Devotions will have to come later when I can truly sit in the presence of The Lord and not feel unfocused.

So, here's my dilemma... I feel like a failure because I'm a homeschooling mama and I feel like my kids should behave better. I know that is an unreal expectation that I have and that kids are kids and we need to teach them how to make good choices and live the way God wants us to live. But HOW do you do that when it is a constant battle? I am going to be trying something new for today and next week that a friend told me about. I made a chart with their names and we will do stickers and check marks. I made one for each of the kids and myself (because let's be honest the kids aren't the only ones making good and poor choices in the house). That way the kids won't feel like they have no say. If they see me making a good choice they can point it out and tell me to get a sticker. But if I make a poor choice they can also tell me to make a check mark on my chart. At the end of the day we will count up how much of each we have and go from there.

I feel like my family needs a "reboot". I sat down to write this today because I felt overwhelmed. The song that came to mind was from kari jobe... A song that I haven't listened to in forever. But God whispered it into my soul.... The lyrics are below and go here to listen to the song...

Come and rest here
Come and lay your burdens down
Come and rest here
There is refuge for you now

You'll find His peace
And know you're not alone anymore
He is near
You'll find his healing
Your heart isn't shattered anymore
He is here

Breathe in
Breathe out
You will
You will find Him here

I will rest in you.

Cold weather blues...

Seriously...this cold weather is the pits! -45 windchill! My dog went out yesterday and usually she will run the yard to make sure all is safe, but it was way too cold yesterday for her to even WANT to run around the yard. She was so excited for me to let her out last night before bed and she was gearing up to charge out the door, but as soon as the cold air hit her lungs she stopped in her tracks and found a place to do her business and came right back in.

Now, let's take a moment and think. How many times do we want to do something because we just feel like it's the right thing to do...? Like writing a blog, doing foster care, opening up our house to people who just need a safe place to go, working outside of the house, homeschooling, changing jobs, moving, etc.... The list is endless. And how many times have we stopped in our tracks because of fear, anxiety that we won't be good enough, stubbornness...insert any excuse we can think of

Growing up my parents taught me that if you continue to feel a prodding in your soul that it's God knocking on the door trying to tell you something. I think that it's so easy for us to stop in our tracks and freeze because we are too afraid to open the door and see what is on the other side. For me it usually takes about 50 times of knocking from The Lord for me to finally open the door and take a peek. And each time The Lord knocks it gets a tad bit louder until it's almost like he's pounding all around me. I have to check every square inch of the perimeter and make sure it's safe, that this is something that I will KNOW I will succeed at, and that I have a peace about it instead of just taking a step of faith and trusting that God has my back. I need to be better at this. Taking that leap of faith into the unknown... But it's not really unknown because God knows. It's His plan.

So what is it that God is trying to tell me... To tell you? Maybe instead of checking the perimeter and making sure all is safe we just need to jump in and get it done.

Filling in the potholes....

Winter really sucks. The weather is super cold, and the roads get all sloppy and chewed up from the snow and plows. As I was driving to church today, we were driving over a TON of huge potholes! And then it hit me... Oh my gosh life is like a road filled with potholes. Things can go super smooth for a long time and then all of the sudden a huge hole on your journey comes up and then a ton of debris gets thrown all around and then maybe a few other holes come along before the road is smooth again. Know what I mean?

I feel like I came across a couple potholes today. Since my in-laws left to go back home today my goal was to get the Christmas decorations down because I just wanted my house back! My oldest, H, wanted to help me take all the stuff down. But instead of letting her help I just kept shooing her away. All she wanted to do was help me, spend time with me... And all I did was push her away. Made me really feel like a bad mommy. All the debris from my past still trickling down to my daughter. I don't want her to grow up and think that I just needed to do it all on my own. I'm a homeschooling mama.. I should be teaching her the right ways to do things. Don't you think? So tomorrow I am going to try and fill in that pothole that I have made of pushing away my children when they want to help. And Instead of making it bigger and bigger I need to be intentional to let them help. Proverbs 22:6 "teach children in a way that fits their needs, and even when they are old, they will not leave the right path." (ERV). I really want to teach my kids the right way to do things. I need to teach them in a way that works for them NOT in the way that works for me. I don't want them to imitate my poor choices. When I make poor choices I want them to see that I am sorry and that I am seeking their forgiveness.

My other pothole that I came across today was not doing my devotions this morning. I did them for the past 2 mornings and felt like I had awesome days, but this morning I skipped them. Why? I'm not super sure... But I did. :-/. I feel like this is crazy, but I think my day was worse because I missed it. I felt more out of control and not reassured. I didn't have the fall back of the scriptures from the morning to get me through the day. Does that make sense? So tomorrow the pothole will be filled in a little more as I get into the Word again.

Switching gears.... "Simplify" is the new sermon series we are doing at church. The sermon was about Filling Your Emotional Bucket. Pastor Bob started out by talking about what the symptoms of being overwhelmed and exhausted... Depleted. 1. Irritability (check) 2. Insomnia (half a check) 3. Overspending (check) 4. Over eating (check) 5. Escaping (check)... Hmmm I think I just might be a tad bit overwhelmed/exhausted. My husband, my kids.... They deserve me at my very best. They don't deserve my pothole filled exhaustion. And I think the only way to give them my very best is to fill my potholes with something that won't deplete me but that will fill me. By getting into the Word and leaning more on my Jesus...

Psalm 46:10 "be still and know that I am God..."
Psalm 23:13 "The Lord is my shepherd , I shall not want (I shall not worry). He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for His name's sake." --I added the italics--

Pursuing new goals...

It's just so crazy how much your past can effect the way you live your present. Don't you think? I mean one huge thing.... A bunch of little things... Doesn't really matter but it can really screw with how you view life. For the past year I feel like I have been living in a deep dark hole of self-pity due to all the "things" that I have had to deal with. And if I'm truly being honest, I've had no real desire or know how on how to get myself out. Yes my husband would tell me that I need to get my act together (in a kinder way of course) but I would just sit there pretending to listen by nodding my head and agreeing with what he was saying but really not giving any kind of input on how to fix it.

It wasn't until these past few months that I have really felt The Lord trying to prod me back to who I am and who my husband and children need me to be. See, this past summer I started breaking out in hives (that was just the start) and it has progressively gotten worse over time. My health has continued to be confusing, my weight has slowly been going up, my desire to be involved has gone down... I just wanted to check out and do whatever I could to escape. I really hate saying this because I LOVE my family. I LOVE the fact that I have ability to stay home with my kids and TEACH them. I love the fact that my us and supports me in my desire to be at home and works very hard to support our family. I have definitely taken that for granted and The Lord has been knocking on my hearts door to get me to wake up. But I just haven't wanted to do anything about it.

So starting 3 months ago my church started a sermon series called Labeled . I absolutely fell in love with it and it seemed like every single sermon was written for me. And then the next sermon series was "Acceptable Sins" (written for me), and then right before Christmas it was "Beat the Odds" (and again written for me... Do you see a pattern?) I felt like God was just trying to pound it into me that I needed to run away from everything that I have been holding onto and run to Him. So with the new year upon us... This is a great time to start it all over. Some of my goals for this year are actually DOING devotions and making Christ the center of my life...again...and my families life, not yelling at my kids for stupid things, showing my husband that I support him in what he decides, not stressing over financial hardships, taking my health back and to show my kids the importance of living a healthy lifestyle (following a healthy diet, exercising....), and to only "plug in" when I don't have anything else going on... Like when the kiddos are sleeping :). It's so easy for me to put the cares of this life above Jesus and his great love for me... And as hard as this is going to be, I now to need to switch that focus onto Him and all that He has given me in this life.

With all these goals in mind, and thinking about how The Lord is pursuing me... Today was a great day! With company filling up my house, children's laughter filling the air... Life is good. I balanced the check book and instead of stressing over the lack of funds... I trust that The Lord is going to provide as he always does. The kids made poor choices today and instead of losing it at them for not being perfect... I talked to them and explained to them why I was upset and asked them how we can do things better. Instead of throwing in the towel because my son refused to eat dinner... We pushed through the battle and boy was it a battle but we were victorious in the end. And seeing that huge smile on his face made it all worth it. Seeing the good instead of the bad makes for a much happier home and family, don't you think? Now granted this is day 2 of my new goals... I know there will be tough times ahead but I need to push through the battle in order to see the victory in the end.

Proverbs 31:30 "charm is deceptive, and beauty does not last; but a woman who fears The Lord will be greatly praised." I want my husband, my children, my family and friends to see the beauty that I have that can only come from The Lord above. I want the darkness to fear me because I will be able to move mountains. This is what I am going to strive to do this year. I'm done living in the past and feeling ugly because it and stressing over the "what would have been if...". I want to live in the now and feel beauty because of all that I have in front of me...

New beginnings...

I realize that it might be silly to start up a blog to a fictitious friend but I feel like this is what I need to do to be a better daughter, a better wife, a better mother, a better me. I am a writer. That is how I process. This is how I am able to go through life. I feel like if I can write to a "friend" I'll be able to be more me... More honest. I don't want this to be a thing where I share only the good and make it feel like my life is picture perfect because it isn't picture perfect. I struggle every day with the little lies that are whispered in my ear...that I'm not good enough at being a daughter, a wife, a mommy and teacher to my kids, that I am not good enough at taking care of myself or keeping my relationship with Jesus where it needs to be...The list goes on and on.

So my goal is to talk to my friend in hopes that it will help me to become better at every one of these areas that I feel like I fail at everyday. Maybe by writing out my struggles it will help someone else that feels the same way or will help me to see that I really am not alone in these struggles.

This morning I read in 1 john 1. Verses 5-7 really spoke to me. "This is the message we heard from Jesus and now declare to you: God is light, and there is no darkness in him at all. So we are lying if we say we have fellowship with God but go on living in spiritual darkness; we are not practicing the truth. But if we are living in the light, as God is in the light, then we have fellowship with each other, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses us from all sin." I realized after reading this that parts of me have been living in darkness and that needs to change. Every single part of me needs to live in the light and when that happens I will be able to move mountains. The past 4 sermon series at my church have been preparing me for this moment. So why not dive in head first, strip myself bare and become the person that God has created me to be?