Believing The Lies

It's always a scary place to be. Believing the lies that are whispered to you day in and day out. Most days I am able to look past them and be who I need to be... A wife, a mom, a teacher. But some days it's just really, really hard. Today, this week honestly, has been really tough. There are so many tiny cracks that Satan can get in... And once he finds that one crack where the glue is peeling off he will rip it off and make everything crumble. Tonight I feel like I am at the bottom of the rubble and I don't really know how to dig my way out. So, why not do what helps the most... Write it out.

Let's see where to start...

I have been struggling more with keeping up with the housework. It's so tedious doing the laundry, emptying and refilling the dishwasher, clean up the toys and books that are spread all over the house, sweep the kitchen floor... I have the kids help where they are able and most of the time they do a great job, but I just can't keep up some days. The laundry gets piled way high, and so we run out of towels or underwear. I forget to run the dishwasher at night so we are out of spoons in the morning. I look at the kitchen floor and try to remember when I swept it last...I start believing the lies that I can't do this and that I am not a good homemaker because I can't keep the house clean or keep up with the laundry.

I have been feeling particularly down on myself as a parent lately. It's tough being at home all day with the kids sometimes. They become immune to your voice and what you have to say. It becomes a daily battle to just get them to brush their teeth. I know that I tend to be more of a push over with the kids... Just giving in when we are getting nowhere or going off the handle when I can't take another minute of the fighting over a toy or the bedtime routine... I begin to believe the lies that I am not cut out to be a mom to these 3 amazing kids! That I'm not equipped to teach them what they need to know academically and spiritually. I know it's not true, but I can't help but feel like I am failing them daily. I hate seeing them mad at me. I hate disappointing them.

My hubby is gone and so this week we have been doing a sleepover with mommy every night. And I told the kids that I wanted them to lay in bed so it wasn't a battle tonight (because since they are excited to sleep in mommy and daddy's room they get out of bed a lot and squirrel around). But today has been a particularly rough day mentally and I just wanted them to go to bed nicely. **side note: I read "Have A New Kid By Friday" and decided it was time to try out what I've read...which just happens to be what my hubby has been telling me for a while. But since I READit... It's different ;-)** so, Mr.Man wasn't lying down and was being very goofy. I told him I was going to sing and if he wasn't lying down by the time I was finished then he would be In His room alone. Well, he wasn't... To his credit he tried but he was just too squirrelly... So usually I would just be like whatever you can still sleep here... But I followed through on what I said. He was so mad but I stayed calm and he screamed. I laid him in his bed and he screamed. I kissed him and said "I love you" and he screamed. He is sleeping soundly in his bed and tomorrow is a new day. I went back into my room and the girls gave me a look like what just happened. And I told them if they were squirrelly and got out of bed they would be sleeping in their own rooms tonight... They went to sleep promptly. So that was a parenting win, I think... I just pray I can keep it up :)

But the thing I struggle with the most, which I think makes everything else crumble and where Satan does all his work, is the reflection of myself that I see. I know I have talked about this before, but it's just really hard. It's so hard when you have a distorted view of yourself. I see the flaws instead of the beauty. I find that when I am feeling more insecure with myself everything else suffers. The strength that I have to get through starts to weaken and I forget to grab onto The One who gives me strength... I grab onto the lies instead and create a path of destruction. The distortion I have effects my relationship with my hubby because I feel unattractive... It effects my kids because I don't feel worthy enough... If effects my home because I already feel like I am failing everywhere else. It's just hard to move forward when you keep looking behind you and seeing where you've fallen short.

So how do you get out from under the rubble of destruction and start moving forward? How do you change the way you have seen yourself forever.... From a negative light and into a positive one? I'm sorry this feels so negative... I just needed to get it out... To start processessing... Tomorrow is a new day :)

The Busy Signal

So, I have been wanting to write this all week and just haven't been able to sit and do it!  Such a dilemma when one of your passions is writing!

On Monday, starting at 8am, I was on the phone calling and recalling a local camp ground to make reservations for a weekend trip for us and another family.  We went camping together last year and had a blast!

 Roasting marshmallows, cooking hotdogs, playing baseball, swimming, CAMPFIRES!  Ah, camping.. I love it!  It's such a nice way to get away, unplug from the world, and not have to spend a ton of money in order to have family fun!  

OK, back to "the busy signal", I would love to see my phone bill from Monday alone and see how many times I called the camp ground before finally getting a ring tone!  While I was in the middle of the "busy signal" (About an hour and a half) I found myself getting more and more frustrated.  Every time I called and heard the sound I just wanted to throw the phone!!  I just wanted to give up and not call back because I knew, more than likely, I would hear that annoying sound again!  I spent 2 hours of my life persistently calling ONE number... hoping and praying that I would get through.  And then once I finally did get through would they have space for 2 families to camp next to each other.  And it's not like we were trying to just get a tent campsite.. we were fighting to get 2 of 5 camper cabins.  So the longer that I waited with this busy signal I felt our chances dwindle.  I am happy to report that we did get two cabins next to each other... but not until the first weekend in September!

I tell you all of this because I had a thought occur to me while waiting.  How many times are WE that busy signal?  We can be a busy signal to our kids that just want our attention.  They want to show us a picture they drew, play a game, read a book... But instead we say "Hang on one second honey, I just want to pay this bill, write this email, check Facebook (I am ashamed that I have done this), or get this stuff organized for school tomorrow... (All of which I can do once they are in bed for the night)  Or, how many times do we feel that knock on our heart from God saying.. "Hey, I miss you!  Come back and talk with me... Spend time with me by reading my Word... Pray with me and tell me your struggles and triumphs..." And we come back saying "Yes, Lord I will.  Just give me a minute to finish.... **insert excuse**"  And then a minute passes, an hour, a day, week, month.. and we still haven't gone to Him.  I find myself longing for the day before technology overwhelmed every aspect of our life.  It was so much easier.  We didn't feel the temptation to sit and just stare at a machine for 5 minutes (but in reality is actually 45 minutes).  We gave our attention to the things that mattered!  We gave it to our family, to our friends, to spending all day outside, to our imaginations taking us on adventures, to reading or writing, and to spending time with Jesus.

I challenge myself to stop being the busy signal so often!  I challenged myself last week to embrace the chaos of everyday life and I feel like I did, but could always improve.  Here are some pics of me enjoying life and not being the busy signal...

 Here is my Mr. Man helping me make tacos.  Great helper, but what you don't see is he missed the pan and the taco seasoning went all over the stove... embrace the chaos! (And just for the record... the taco seasoning is still all over the stove... I just haven't cleaned it up!  I'm horrible)

 Here is my willow tree angels arm that broke off and while I was going to find something to clean up the taco mess (Which didn't get cleaned because I got side tracked from the Mr.) Mr. Man decided to stick the lantern into the butter... Embrace the chaos...?

 And here is the perpetual state of my basement.  I ask the kids to help clean and they say... "What should I clean?" Well let's just start with what we see shall we?  Embrace the chaos!  Or else the chaos will embrace you and you will want to be a "busy signal" :)

Waving The White Flag

These past few weeks have been super challenging for me.  Parenting is SO HARD.  We have had lots of breakdowns from being trapped inside because of this cold weather and everyone is just ready for a change.  I broke down this morning crying and the kids get so worried "Mommy, why are you crying?  Are you OK?"  I always reassure them that yes mommy is fine.. sometimes mommy's just cry.  Then I get big hugs and lots of "I love you's" and pictures that they drew out of love.  Makes me feel better instantly!  With the hubby working 12-9's and then being out of town makes things tough at home. Now I'm not saying I want my hubby to stop his job because he truly loves it and is very happy and I couldn't ask for anything more... just to clarify :)  I just feel like I have to take on the whole world so it will keep on spinning.  I want to fix everything...or maybe I should say control everything. I want to make sure everything is order by attempting to do the laundry (which is never done by the way), that the basement, living room, and kitchen are all free of clutter, the finances are still in working or not working order (even though I've checked it about 50 times and always come up with the same result), that the kids school gets done everyday, and doing whatever else comes up.  It is exhausting and I'm tired of living in anxiety.  So I am waving the white flag and am going to focus on the good, the fun that happened these past few weeks :)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="390"] My Punky going down the hill as a penguin
My Mr. Man saying "don't worry we can handle it" as he goes out with his little shovel to help shovel us out of the driveway. Never mind the huge mound he's standing on... we'll just start in the middle ;)
My two SUPERmen.  They are always making me smile :)[/caption]

My sweet stuff going through the "lasers" in the hallway, and giggling the whole time! 

 

My girls teaching a friend how to play Sequence for Kids

It's the little things in life that you need to smile about and be proud about.  Otherwise your days just blend together into this never ending string of blah.  So my goal for the rest of this week is to find joy and beauty in the little things instead of feeling overwhelmed by the chaos.  I will take pictures and then I will write about it... along with whatever else God lays on my heart to write about.  I really, truly love the life that God has me walking through.  I take it for granted too much... so I'm waving the white flag and am going to enjoy and embrace the chaos instead of fight it.