Believing The Lies

It's always a scary place to be. Believing the lies that are whispered to you day in and day out. Most days I am able to look past them and be who I need to be... A wife, a mom, a teacher. But some days it's just really, really hard. Today, this week honestly, has been really tough. There are so many tiny cracks that Satan can get in... And once he finds that one crack where the glue is peeling off he will rip it off and make everything crumble. Tonight I feel like I am at the bottom of the rubble and I don't really know how to dig my way out. So, why not do what helps the most... Write it out.

Let's see where to start...

I have been struggling more with keeping up with the housework. It's so tedious doing the laundry, emptying and refilling the dishwasher, clean up the toys and books that are spread all over the house, sweep the kitchen floor... I have the kids help where they are able and most of the time they do a great job, but I just can't keep up some days. The laundry gets piled way high, and so we run out of towels or underwear. I forget to run the dishwasher at night so we are out of spoons in the morning. I look at the kitchen floor and try to remember when I swept it last...I start believing the lies that I can't do this and that I am not a good homemaker because I can't keep the house clean or keep up with the laundry.

I have been feeling particularly down on myself as a parent lately. It's tough being at home all day with the kids sometimes. They become immune to your voice and what you have to say. It becomes a daily battle to just get them to brush their teeth. I know that I tend to be more of a push over with the kids... Just giving in when we are getting nowhere or going off the handle when I can't take another minute of the fighting over a toy or the bedtime routine... I begin to believe the lies that I am not cut out to be a mom to these 3 amazing kids! That I'm not equipped to teach them what they need to know academically and spiritually. I know it's not true, but I can't help but feel like I am failing them daily. I hate seeing them mad at me. I hate disappointing them.

My hubby is gone and so this week we have been doing a sleepover with mommy every night. And I told the kids that I wanted them to lay in bed so it wasn't a battle tonight (because since they are excited to sleep in mommy and daddy's room they get out of bed a lot and squirrel around). But today has been a particularly rough day mentally and I just wanted them to go to bed nicely. **side note: I read "Have A New Kid By Friday" and decided it was time to try out what I've read...which just happens to be what my hubby has been telling me for a while. But since I READit... It's different ;-)** so, Mr.Man wasn't lying down and was being very goofy. I told him I was going to sing and if he wasn't lying down by the time I was finished then he would be In His room alone. Well, he wasn't... To his credit he tried but he was just too squirrelly... So usually I would just be like whatever you can still sleep here... But I followed through on what I said. He was so mad but I stayed calm and he screamed. I laid him in his bed and he screamed. I kissed him and said "I love you" and he screamed. He is sleeping soundly in his bed and tomorrow is a new day. I went back into my room and the girls gave me a look like what just happened. And I told them if they were squirrelly and got out of bed they would be sleeping in their own rooms tonight... They went to sleep promptly. So that was a parenting win, I think... I just pray I can keep it up :)

But the thing I struggle with the most, which I think makes everything else crumble and where Satan does all his work, is the reflection of myself that I see. I know I have talked about this before, but it's just really hard. It's so hard when you have a distorted view of yourself. I see the flaws instead of the beauty. I find that when I am feeling more insecure with myself everything else suffers. The strength that I have to get through starts to weaken and I forget to grab onto The One who gives me strength... I grab onto the lies instead and create a path of destruction. The distortion I have effects my relationship with my hubby because I feel unattractive... It effects my kids because I don't feel worthy enough... If effects my home because I already feel like I am failing everywhere else. It's just hard to move forward when you keep looking behind you and seeing where you've fallen short.

So how do you get out from under the rubble of destruction and start moving forward? How do you change the way you have seen yourself forever.... From a negative light and into a positive one? I'm sorry this feels so negative... I just needed to get it out... To start processessing... Tomorrow is a new day :)

The Busy Signal

So, I have been wanting to write this all week and just haven't been able to sit and do it!  Such a dilemma when one of your passions is writing!

On Monday, starting at 8am, I was on the phone calling and recalling a local camp ground to make reservations for a weekend trip for us and another family.  We went camping together last year and had a blast!

 Roasting marshmallows, cooking hotdogs, playing baseball, swimming, CAMPFIRES!  Ah, camping.. I love it!  It's such a nice way to get away, unplug from the world, and not have to spend a ton of money in order to have family fun!  

OK, back to "the busy signal", I would love to see my phone bill from Monday alone and see how many times I called the camp ground before finally getting a ring tone!  While I was in the middle of the "busy signal" (About an hour and a half) I found myself getting more and more frustrated.  Every time I called and heard the sound I just wanted to throw the phone!!  I just wanted to give up and not call back because I knew, more than likely, I would hear that annoying sound again!  I spent 2 hours of my life persistently calling ONE number... hoping and praying that I would get through.  And then once I finally did get through would they have space for 2 families to camp next to each other.  And it's not like we were trying to just get a tent campsite.. we were fighting to get 2 of 5 camper cabins.  So the longer that I waited with this busy signal I felt our chances dwindle.  I am happy to report that we did get two cabins next to each other... but not until the first weekend in September!

I tell you all of this because I had a thought occur to me while waiting.  How many times are WE that busy signal?  We can be a busy signal to our kids that just want our attention.  They want to show us a picture they drew, play a game, read a book... But instead we say "Hang on one second honey, I just want to pay this bill, write this email, check Facebook (I am ashamed that I have done this), or get this stuff organized for school tomorrow... (All of which I can do once they are in bed for the night)  Or, how many times do we feel that knock on our heart from God saying.. "Hey, I miss you!  Come back and talk with me... Spend time with me by reading my Word... Pray with me and tell me your struggles and triumphs..." And we come back saying "Yes, Lord I will.  Just give me a minute to finish.... **insert excuse**"  And then a minute passes, an hour, a day, week, month.. and we still haven't gone to Him.  I find myself longing for the day before technology overwhelmed every aspect of our life.  It was so much easier.  We didn't feel the temptation to sit and just stare at a machine for 5 minutes (but in reality is actually 45 minutes).  We gave our attention to the things that mattered!  We gave it to our family, to our friends, to spending all day outside, to our imaginations taking us on adventures, to reading or writing, and to spending time with Jesus.

I challenge myself to stop being the busy signal so often!  I challenged myself last week to embrace the chaos of everyday life and I feel like I did, but could always improve.  Here are some pics of me enjoying life and not being the busy signal...

 Here is my Mr. Man helping me make tacos.  Great helper, but what you don't see is he missed the pan and the taco seasoning went all over the stove... embrace the chaos! (And just for the record... the taco seasoning is still all over the stove... I just haven't cleaned it up!  I'm horrible)

 Here is my willow tree angels arm that broke off and while I was going to find something to clean up the taco mess (Which didn't get cleaned because I got side tracked from the Mr.) Mr. Man decided to stick the lantern into the butter... Embrace the chaos...?

 And here is the perpetual state of my basement.  I ask the kids to help clean and they say... "What should I clean?" Well let's just start with what we see shall we?  Embrace the chaos!  Or else the chaos will embrace you and you will want to be a "busy signal" :)

Waving The White Flag

These past few weeks have been super challenging for me.  Parenting is SO HARD.  We have had lots of breakdowns from being trapped inside because of this cold weather and everyone is just ready for a change.  I broke down this morning crying and the kids get so worried "Mommy, why are you crying?  Are you OK?"  I always reassure them that yes mommy is fine.. sometimes mommy's just cry.  Then I get big hugs and lots of "I love you's" and pictures that they drew out of love.  Makes me feel better instantly!  With the hubby working 12-9's and then being out of town makes things tough at home. Now I'm not saying I want my hubby to stop his job because he truly loves it and is very happy and I couldn't ask for anything more... just to clarify :)  I just feel like I have to take on the whole world so it will keep on spinning.  I want to fix everything...or maybe I should say control everything. I want to make sure everything is order by attempting to do the laundry (which is never done by the way), that the basement, living room, and kitchen are all free of clutter, the finances are still in working or not working order (even though I've checked it about 50 times and always come up with the same result), that the kids school gets done everyday, and doing whatever else comes up.  It is exhausting and I'm tired of living in anxiety.  So I am waving the white flag and am going to focus on the good, the fun that happened these past few weeks :)

[caption id="" align="aligncenter" width="390"] My Punky going down the hill as a penguin
My Mr. Man saying "don't worry we can handle it" as he goes out with his little shovel to help shovel us out of the driveway. Never mind the huge mound he's standing on... we'll just start in the middle ;)
My two SUPERmen.  They are always making me smile :)[/caption]

My sweet stuff going through the "lasers" in the hallway, and giggling the whole time! 

 

My girls teaching a friend how to play Sequence for Kids

It's the little things in life that you need to smile about and be proud about.  Otherwise your days just blend together into this never ending string of blah.  So my goal for the rest of this week is to find joy and beauty in the little things instead of feeling overwhelmed by the chaos.  I will take pictures and then I will write about it... along with whatever else God lays on my heart to write about.  I really, truly love the life that God has me walking through.  I take it for granted too much... so I'm waving the white flag and am going to enjoy and embrace the chaos instead of fight it.

 

 

 

A right start

I find that when I start my day with a good strong cup of coffee, a nice warm shower, and being able to have a few minutes to myself to read The Word the rest of my day goes so much smoother, and I go to bed feeling content with the day. I feel more patient and able to handle the chaos that will more than likely ensue in the hours to come. Now, on the flip side... When I start my day off with a nice strong cup of coffee and a hot shower and that's it I feel more out of control and unwilling to deal with anything that comes my way. And I go to bed feeling defeated and frustrated with the day. I have the "mom guilt"... I could've done so much better!

I was reading in Mark... even Jesus needed to get away. My side notes say:

"No one would have thought any less of Jesus if he had just slept in the next morning, but instead we find him up early, meeting his Father in prayer. Jesus prays in the morning while his spirit is still fresh from sleep and unencumbered with the cares of his day. While others snore, his soul soars in communication with God. Jesus shows us the importance of giving our first and our best to God. Jesus prays alone, in a quiet and 'solitary' place (Mark 1:35). He knows the importance of limiting distractions in order to spend time with his Father." -- The Women of Faith Study Bible--

Jesus needed to recenter himself by being alone with his Father. Why are there days that I think I don't need to be re-centered? Why do I feel like I can do it all on my own? Jesus needs to be my focus at the start of every single day. I can only live for Him when I am focused on him! My kids can then see that I am devoted to my Father above... Seeking him before anything else. Once I have started my day with my Father I then need to teach my kids to start their day the same way. One of the biggest reasons that we wanted to homeschool was to teach our children about the love of God and about who He is. As their mom and teacher I need to be more proactive about that. I need to be able to understand the Word so I can correctly teach, speak the Word into my kids. I need them to see that my Jesus is more than just a passing thought. He is my life. Now I know that I will not know everything exactly as I should, but Jesus has called us to something higher than just getting through the daily check list of school work and household chores... He wants us to live our lives for him and learn about who He is and who He wants us to be! When we are intentional with him and doing His will... He will pour out blessings on us. I want my kids to see and feel that!

At the end of the day all I really want to hear is "You are my Son, daughter, whom I love; with you I am well pleased." (Mark 1:11 - italics are my adding) I just want to go to bed at the end of the day feeling like I did everything to the best of my ability instead of going to bed feeling guilty and defeated.

Cleanliness

I ended up getting a horrible head cold over the weekend and have been trying to function this whole week.  The weather has been super nice so I sent the kids outside to play in the snow and make the most of it before this big storm comes through!  As I was driving my kids home from Awana last night a thought hit me...

When you are sick there really isn't much that you want to do.  All I really wanna do is sit on the couch and sleep and not move.  Which is impossible as I have 3 little ones depending on me.  So I just shuffle through the day... attempting to find food for the kids to eat, trying to get school done, and putting absolutely no effort into the laundry mountain!  Yesterday I was starting to feel a little bit better and looked at the state of my house and was in shock.  My house was a disaster.  Dishes were all over the kitchen, the kids area downstairs had like 5 spots where I could actually see the carpet, the living room had puzzles thrown all over the floor, the laundry mountain was taller than me, and my sons room had all the books from his book shelf thrown everywhere.  It's so crazy how just 2 or 3 days of living in a fog can make your home a disaster! (So today will be clean up day, since we aren't gonna go anywhere with this snow storm coming through!)

Anyway, back to my thought... after thinking about the state of my house I was thinking about how that applies to our spiritual lives too.  It's so easy for us to sometimes just give up and live the way the world thinks is best.  It's easy, it's convenient, and we are surrounded by it.  The scales grow thicker and thicker the longer we lay complacent in our everyday life.  We say "well this is just how it is now" or "everyone else is doing it and they seem to be getting along just fine"  And then before we know it we are living a life that we don't even recognize.  I was living that about 3 or 4 years ago.  I was buried in diapers, spit up, and a growing bitterness and I was just trying to make it on my own.  The scales that were built up on my eyes were so thick no wonder I couldn't see straight. It wasn't until about 3 month ago that the final scale was lifted from my eyes and I saw that I had been living in pure chaos.  Not the way that God wanted me to live.  Yes, He wants me to live in the here and now, but thats's so I can raise my kids (His kids) in a Godly house... in a home where they know they are safe and loved and forgiven no matter what!  Not in a place where we conform to make life easier and snap at a mistake or spilled milk.  No one said that loving our Father above was going to make life easy...just like no one said that being a parent would be easy. He brings storms to our life to make us stronger, not weaker.  He brings the storms to our life to snap us out of the disaster and to cleanse our souls from the muck and mire of life.

It's so easy to blame God for the mess that our lives are in. "If God is a loving God why would he bring me to xyz...??"  God brings us to "XYZ" to test us.  We don't learn anything if we aren't tested.  We have choices... we can choose the path to follow God through the storm or we can choose to go off course.  If we chose the path that took us off course God never left us, He didn't turn his back to us and say "Good luck with that!" He went down that path with us, trying to grab us and show us that there was a better way.  No matter the choices we made God has always and will always be there.  God finally got a hold of me, and for that I am truly grateful.  He is showing me that living in Him, trusting in Him, having faith in Him is so much better than me trying to wade through the muck that I had been living in.  I can breathe and enjoy life and not feel bogged down.

It will be a constant fight to stay on the path that God has for me because I know how easy it is to slip off track.  But this is a battle that I am willing to fight everyday of my life!  Now, if I could only put that towards cleaning my house.... ;-)

A Letter to my Hubby

It's Valentine's Day! So I have permission to be a little bit mushy today ;-)

Did you know, my love, that I have loved you for approximately 4,464 days?

That is equal to exactly 12 years, 2 months, and 20 days!

4,464 days is equal to 637 weeks and 5 days.

The total time span from 11-25-2001 to today is 101,136 hours.

That is equivalent to 6,428,160 minutes.

4.464 days is equal to 385, 689, 600 seconds.

That's a lot of time! I am looking forward to doubling, tripling that time with you! Thank you for fighting, and loving, and all that's is in between with me. I am sure there will be more adventure to come!

I love you :)

A Worshipful Heart

Ever have a song that you find and then it's on repeat like literally all day long?  That seems to happen to me a lot.  Thankfully my kids love music just about as much as I do and they are very forgiving when we listen to the same song over and over and over again :)

God made us to love everything that he created us to be.  Whether it is loving nature, loving books, loving music... I feel as followers of Christ we need to use those passions to bring ourselves closer to Him and to help lead others to know how precious He is.  Music is and always has been my biggest passion.  I joke with my hubby that I was a singer in another life ;) Music has always healed my soul.  You could always tell what mood I was in by what music I listened to.  Now what constantly plays around my house is praise music... Hillsong United, Kari Jobe, David Crowder, Christy Nockles, Big Daddy Weave... Oh the list goes on and on!  One song in particular that has been speaking to my soul is Be Still My Soul (In You I Rest) by Kari Jobe.  I'm really not sure how many times I have listened to it recently, but I'm sure it's a crazy number! 

I have always treasured this song.  "Be still, my soul, the Lord is on thy side..."  God is on my side.  God is with me on the rocky path and the calm waters.  He is with me when I feel like I am drowning in anxiety or the unknowns.  He is with me when I am feeling like I can conquer the world.  I drink him in and my soul is still.  My soul is at rest.  My soul is at peace.  I love the words of the chorus "In you I rest, in You I found my hope  In you I trust, You never let me go  I place my life within your hands alone  Be still, my soul"

I posted a link to the video below.  I wanted to put the actual video on my blog but I'm still learning how to use wordpress. :) I apologize for any commercial that comes on before her video.  But I hope this song leaves you with a peace and a growing love for our Heavenly Father that only He can give to us!

Be Still My Soul - Kari Jobe

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mq59iE3MhXM