My Love

I am so amazed as to how much difference a week can make!  Let me explain... My hubby has been gone quite a lot this past year and it has been rough.  Lots of lonely nights at home, lots of tears shed, and a TON of anxiety.  Last week, that was the worst one of all. I don't know what came over me, but I was just in a really dark place.  Looking back on it, I shudder just thinking about how I was feeling and where I was at mentally and spiritually.  My hubby and I ended up having a terribly huge fight on Tuesday night.  I felt hopeless, and was just ready to throw in the towel to everything.  I couldn't even bear to take another step forward.  Friday... it couldn't come fast enough!  Let me tell you, it's really hard to resolve anything when you are in two separate states!  But the weekend was full of a lot of healing and reconciliation and I am so very thankful that we had the weekend to recover before he left again on Monday.

Now, this week on the other hand has been a complete 180.  As soon as my hubby left I felt the anxiety sky rocket and I immediately texted him and one of my best friends to pray for me.  That was the best decision I could've made.  This week, I am feeling confident and very much at peace with where we are in life.  It could partly be because I know right now my hubby will be home for a while after this trip is done... But more importantly it's because I changed my mindset, and I reached out to those I know would lift me up.  I looked to God for my strength, I dove into the Word, and I have tried being as encouraging and positive to my hubby as possible.

One verse that caught my attention was Romans 8:6, and it says "If people's thinking is controlled by the sinful self, there is death.  But if their thinking is controlled by the Spirit, there is life and peace."  Last week, I let my sinful self take control of my life and I seriously felt as if I was full of darkness.  It was scary and very lonely. But this week I am letting the Spirit control my thinking.  I am letting Him be in the drivers sear and I truly believe that He is the reason my week is going better.  The shouting that was happening in my ears last week, has been silenced this week!  What a blessing.

This week I decided that I was going to send my hubby little encouraging notes for him to open up each day of the week.  (I got the idea from The Time Warp Wife.)  I wanted him to know that even though he is not here with me physically he is still on my mind and I am praying for him continually.  I just want to pour positivity, love, support, scripture into him while he is gone.  It's hard enough being apart.. I don't need to make it harder by being negative and making things worse.  My hubby works hard for our little family, providing for us so I can stay home with our kids.  I get to raise them and teach them to be the best little people they can be!  So while he is away I want to be a blessing to him, and I want to reinforce to him that I love him with all that I am.  I need to go all out and pour love into him and let him know that I am here no matter what!

My goal is not to be the picture perfect Proverbs 31 wife.  Because let's be honest, that is impossible!  No one can be that!  But I want to start and to continue to strive to be as much of her as I can be.  I don't want to live in the darkness that my sinful self brings.  I want to live in the hope and the peace that only God can bring.  My goal... is to love on my hubby with all that I am.  So, I will end with my favorite part of Proverbs 31.

Proverbs 31:25-31
"She puts on strength and honor as if they were her clothes.  She can laugh at the days that are coming.  She speaks wisely.  She teaches faithfully.  She watches over family matters.  She is busy all the time. Her children stand up and call her blessed.  Her husband also rises up, and he praises her.  He says, 'Many women do noble things.  But you are better than all others.'"

A push in the right direction...

This week has been really rough for me.  It's the first of 3 weeks that my hubby will be gone.  I am happy that he will be coming home over the weekends before he heads out again, but it's still tough.  I tend to freak out over little things, and then the little things BLOW UP into huge things.  It's so annoying!  I just wish there was a way that I could just not over dramatize things.  So after a particularly rough conversation with the hubs on Monday... I opened up my Bible Study on Tuesday from Good Morning Girls and low and behold it was all about marriage.  And how to make it the best marriage it can be.  That always seems to happen to me.  I am having a particularly rough patch and the Lord just puts something in my path that is what I needed to hear at that exact moment.  A song, a sermon, kind words from a friend, a Bible Study....It's crazy!  But anyway...

Yesterday the study started out with the creation story, and how the Lord has said that everything he created was good.. but one thing was not good.  Having man be alone... that was not good in God's eyes.  So he created Eve.  He created her not to be taken advantage of, or for her to dominate her husband, but as a helper for him.  As a side kick.  I love this!  I tend to take charge a lot just because I want things done my way and in my time.  But that's not how God wants things.  He wants us to sit back and take things in and have things work in His timing.  I desperately need to step back and take in what my hubby says and what he wants at times.  Now I am not saying that I am going to be a doormat and have him be the sole decision maker, but I want us to walk side by side through this life making those decisions together.  I am going to let him lead more, but I will also help guide the way.  We will do it together because that's how it's supposed to be in a marriage!

This morning really spoke to me too.  I was just sitting there feeling totally defeated.  I felt like I was going crazy...tears flowing again.  My mind wouldn't shut off and I was snapping at the kids.  I hate when I take it out on them.  But I did.  Which reminds me I need to talk to them and ask for forgiveness because they really didn't deserve it.  I was just defeated... completely and totally depleted.  I opened up my Bible App to go to the reading plan for the GMG's study.  And one thing they mentioned and that really popped out to me was this: "All satan did was tell Eve lies and she became a believer of those lies." All he has to do is whisper in our ear... tell us lie after lie until we eventually believe it.  And then once we believe those lies we will go to those closest to us and make them believe the lies.  The master of manipulation at his best.  In marriage, manipulation should be thrown out the window.  We need to shower each other in love and build each other up... especially when we are at our weakest.   We need to be encouraging to our spouse not the opposite.

When doing the GMG studies they use a SOAP outline. (Scripture, Observation, Application, and Prayer).  I love it.  It really helps me to dive into the scripture and get the most out of it.  I wanted to share my prayer that I wrote out from today because I feel like satan is doing a number on a lot of people not just me, and everyone just believes it because he thrives in the chaos and the lies and it feels "normal".  So here's my prayer:

Lord, when my hubby is gone, satan is right there.  He is whispering in my ear.  SHOUTING in my ear and it is so, so hard to hear anything else.  Help me, Lord, to silence satan's voice and shake his hold on me so I can focus on what needs to be fixed... what is truth!  With satan yelling at me he is causing unneeded chaos and I am so very tired of the chaos that he brings.  Help me to tune him out so that the lies no longer hide the truth.  The truth that I love my hubby more than my desire to believe the lies. -Amen-

I just want to encourage all of us... if you feel like you are at the end of your rope and you are drowning from all the shouting that satan is doing... God is there with a life line.  He is holding out his hand, just waiting for you to turn away from the chaos.  God is so much bigger than anything we will ever face here on earth.  I know that sometimes that is hard to believe because we can only see what is right in front of us.  But we have to trust that God's got this.  I struggle with turning away from the chaos daily, but it is just something that I have to do.  Chaos is literally all around me, but I just have to stay on that path set out for me.  I have to do my best to tune out all the noise, and grab hold of Jesus and follow Him.

A Letter to my Hubby

It's Valentine's Day! So I have permission to be a little bit mushy today ;-)

Did you know, my love, that I have loved you for approximately 4,464 days?

That is equal to exactly 12 years, 2 months, and 20 days!

4,464 days is equal to 637 weeks and 5 days.

The total time span from 11-25-2001 to today is 101,136 hours.

That is equivalent to 6,428,160 minutes.

4.464 days is equal to 385, 689, 600 seconds.

That's a lot of time! I am looking forward to doubling, tripling that time with you! Thank you for fighting, and loving, and all that's is in between with me. I am sure there will be more adventure to come!

I love you :)

Taming the Tongue From Careless Words

They say the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body.  This little muscle is used for so much.  It can be used to encourage and to be used for good,  but it can also be used for utter destruction...

Why is it so much easier for us to think of all the wrong things to say instead of all the right things?

We say things that tear each other down faster than we can think of things to build each other up.

Most people have a filter that helps them realize... "Hey now!  Stop right there!  You will instantly regret saying that if you do..."  But sometimes that filter just isn't on it's "A" game.  So you think of a comeback... the words come flying out of your mouth... and before you know it there is no way to take it back.  Your filter has failed.. BIG TIME.  You have said something terribly wrong and there's nothing... NOTHING you can do about it.  So, you just sit in the uncomfortableness of what has just been said, hit your head against the wall, and wish deeply that you can take it back.  But you can't.  So then there are two choices... 1. Continue saying things while your filter is on the fritz and make it worse or 2. Just zip your lips and STOP.  Stop before you have dug a hole that will take FOREVER to get out of.

I tend to keep on going and dig myself a hole and then once the hold is deep enough I jump right on in and pile the dirt on.  When my filter fails... It really fails.  I just stand there armed and ready.  What a horrible thing to do!  Be the first on to strike and wound so I am not the first one hurt.  Jesus doesn't teach that we should attack with our words or with any other tactic for that matter.  We need to respond with love, with respect, with understanding.  Proverbs 10:19 says "When words are many, sin is not absent, but he who holds his tongue is wise."  Ouch... every time I open my mouth I have the choice to be sinful with my words and tear others down or I can be wise and just zip it.  Even though I have an opinion about something, or think of a jab... that does not give me the freedom to say it.  It's as simple as that saying that we were taught as kids "If you have nothing good to say, then don't say anything at all."  I need to start taking responsibility for what I say instead of just saying something out of frustration.

Learning how to tame my tongue is going to be a hard challenge.  But I need to use my tongue to build up my family.  At church this past weekend our teaching Pastor Jason Anderson challenged us with finding a word that will help us be a better person this year.  He chose "trust" as his word... I think for me I need a few words to help me through this year.  "Stillness", "Listen first then speak" (and if after listening you still can't think of anything else to say then keep quiet!), "Just STOP."  Ephesians 4:29 says it best "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."  So not drudging up the past, or saying something to make the person feel as miserable as you feel is NOT wise?  Ok got it!  Until I am able to be held accountable for my words, my "filter" will continue to fail.  So I guess the only place to start is to Confess and then Repent for what has been said.  Whether is been out of irritation at my children because they have asked 500 times when we can play outside, or asking them for the 5th time to clean up their toys spread all over the house or saying things out of frustration at my hubby for things totally and completely out of his control (like rush hour traffic which makes him late and RUINS MY plans for the evening)... I need to change... Change my response, change my words, change my body language.  Confess and Repent it's the only way to start being free from our sinful selves.

So, I end this with a heartfelt apology to my hubby for saying harsh words out of frustration. I am imperfect and broken.  I am, we are,  working on building our house with Christ as the foundation.  I crack and fail more often than I want to.  But with your help, Love, we are able to fill in those cracks and make it stronger because we don't let it crumble.  It may be a bit wobbly at times, but God's hand is there holding it up till we get it figured out.

Psalm 19:14 "May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."