Believing The Lies

It's always a scary place to be. Believing the lies that are whispered to you day in and day out. Most days I am able to look past them and be who I need to be... A wife, a mom, a teacher. But some days it's just really, really hard. Today, this week honestly, has been really tough. There are so many tiny cracks that Satan can get in... And once he finds that one crack where the glue is peeling off he will rip it off and make everything crumble. Tonight I feel like I am at the bottom of the rubble and I don't really know how to dig my way out. So, why not do what helps the most... Write it out.

Let's see where to start...

I have been struggling more with keeping up with the housework. It's so tedious doing the laundry, emptying and refilling the dishwasher, clean up the toys and books that are spread all over the house, sweep the kitchen floor... I have the kids help where they are able and most of the time they do a great job, but I just can't keep up some days. The laundry gets piled way high, and so we run out of towels or underwear. I forget to run the dishwasher at night so we are out of spoons in the morning. I look at the kitchen floor and try to remember when I swept it last...I start believing the lies that I can't do this and that I am not a good homemaker because I can't keep the house clean or keep up with the laundry.

I have been feeling particularly down on myself as a parent lately. It's tough being at home all day with the kids sometimes. They become immune to your voice and what you have to say. It becomes a daily battle to just get them to brush their teeth. I know that I tend to be more of a push over with the kids... Just giving in when we are getting nowhere or going off the handle when I can't take another minute of the fighting over a toy or the bedtime routine... I begin to believe the lies that I am not cut out to be a mom to these 3 amazing kids! That I'm not equipped to teach them what they need to know academically and spiritually. I know it's not true, but I can't help but feel like I am failing them daily. I hate seeing them mad at me. I hate disappointing them.

My hubby is gone and so this week we have been doing a sleepover with mommy every night. And I told the kids that I wanted them to lay in bed so it wasn't a battle tonight (because since they are excited to sleep in mommy and daddy's room they get out of bed a lot and squirrel around). But today has been a particularly rough day mentally and I just wanted them to go to bed nicely. **side note: I read "Have A New Kid By Friday" and decided it was time to try out what I've read...which just happens to be what my hubby has been telling me for a while. But since I READit... It's different ;-)** so, Mr.Man wasn't lying down and was being very goofy. I told him I was going to sing and if he wasn't lying down by the time I was finished then he would be In His room alone. Well, he wasn't... To his credit he tried but he was just too squirrelly... So usually I would just be like whatever you can still sleep here... But I followed through on what I said. He was so mad but I stayed calm and he screamed. I laid him in his bed and he screamed. I kissed him and said "I love you" and he screamed. He is sleeping soundly in his bed and tomorrow is a new day. I went back into my room and the girls gave me a look like what just happened. And I told them if they were squirrelly and got out of bed they would be sleeping in their own rooms tonight... They went to sleep promptly. So that was a parenting win, I think... I just pray I can keep it up :)

But the thing I struggle with the most, which I think makes everything else crumble and where Satan does all his work, is the reflection of myself that I see. I know I have talked about this before, but it's just really hard. It's so hard when you have a distorted view of yourself. I see the flaws instead of the beauty. I find that when I am feeling more insecure with myself everything else suffers. The strength that I have to get through starts to weaken and I forget to grab onto The One who gives me strength... I grab onto the lies instead and create a path of destruction. The distortion I have effects my relationship with my hubby because I feel unattractive... It effects my kids because I don't feel worthy enough... If effects my home because I already feel like I am failing everywhere else. It's just hard to move forward when you keep looking behind you and seeing where you've fallen short.

So how do you get out from under the rubble of destruction and start moving forward? How do you change the way you have seen yourself forever.... From a negative light and into a positive one? I'm sorry this feels so negative... I just needed to get it out... To start processessing... Tomorrow is a new day :)